In a conversation with a Phoenix civic leader, we shared mental notes regarding a mutual acquaintance regarded as a key leader among Arizona CEO’s. Our notes were dissimilar.
Experiencing him completely within a personal context, she regarded him as warm, kind and intuitive. My encounters with this gentleman, however, revealed another side, characterized as arrogant, abrupt and distant. Noting I appeared to have met the “dark side” of Mr. X, she replied, “I have never met that side of Mr. X but, I am under the impression there are two sides to Mr. X, his private self and his leadership self”. She then offered an explanation, “When at home or in a social setting he is a wonderful man, but when he leaves for work, he puts on his armor!”
Mr. X appears to subscribe to a common fallacy within leader circles. To be kind, real and vulnerable (in another word, human) is a sign of weakness, not strength. Leaders must not be transparent but rather keep their guard up at all times. This notion could not be further from the truth. In fact, a lack of kindness in a leader actually sabotages a leader’s effectiveness. Being rude, arrogant and guarded as a leader pushes people away from us as opposed to attracting people to us. It is impossible to lead others who are moving away from us.
Abraham Maslow, one of the fathers of modern psychology, noted people are most effective in reaching their potential when their internal basic needs are met. One of the basic needs after air, nourishment and shelter, is the need for emotional safety. Simply, this means all of us have an undeniable need to be affirmed, valued, appreciated and respected. Any leadership behavior that does not demonstrate sensitivity to these basic human needs will cause others to feel unsafe.
Simply put, followers will not follow a leader who makes them feel unsafe. Why? Please allow me to provide the basic logic. Our inherent human nature does not allow us to trust people who make us feel unsafe. We will not follow another whom we do not trust. Without followers you are not leading, even if you have the title that says so!
What is the appropriate approach? The golden rule provides the most succinct yet powerful core principle for effective leadership. In summary it states, “Treat people the way you wish to be treated”.
Some may suggest Mr. X is doing all right as a leader. After all, he has developed a national reputation as a leader. Conversely, he has also developed a correlating reputation as a difficult person who could dehumanize others in his quest for results. The real question is, “How much more effective could he be if he had the inner security to respond to those he leads with transparency and kindness?” How many people have quit following him who could have strengthened his success as well as their own, but left instead in search of a healthier leadership environment? How many missed opportunities have there been because he failed to treat others with compassion and kindness?
Powerful leadership results can transpire over a simple act of kindness. For instance, one could argue the great state of Alaska was acquired because of a missed single kind act. Witness the following compelling example of leadership and kindness.
President-elect Lincoln, while traveling by train, was deeply immersed in thought concerning the composition of his leadership cabinet. The choice for Secretary of State was still unfilled as he was torn between two highly respected finalists.
On the same train, in the same car, unbeknownst to each other, sat one of the men whom Lincoln was considering for the position of Secretary of State. He had an appointment to meet with Mr. Lincoln the next morning. While sipping brandy and pondering how he might win the prized appointment, he called for the steward to refill his glass. Because the steward was finishing pouring a beverage for another, he did not immediately respond. When he did arrive moments later, the man berated the steward for serving a man of his own stature in such a poor manner. Excoriating him not to let it happen again, he sent the embarrassed servant away.
Mr. Lincoln heard the exchange. The next day Mr. Lincoln chose the other finalist, William Seward, later responsible for purchasing the Alaskan territory amidst great criticism. Asked why he did not choose the other man (who had ridden in his same coach car the previous day), Lincoln responded, “In this age of incivility, I want a man who will treat others with civility and kindness. I became convinced, due to personal experience, that one candidate perhaps lacked such character.”
Wise are the leaders who encourage genuine kindness and courtesy as an essential aspect of their core leadership style. Do not underestimate its impact on your influence as a leader. Believe me, your followers will not!