In the past month, I spent time with a team of leaders at a powerful, Midwest company. These leaders expressed a widespread fear – they’re worried about the economy and losing their jobs. In just a few hours, we worked to reposition their thinking by exploring concepts that they said “provided them with a much-needed shot in the arm and renewed focus”. This is the lesson we shared:
The vast majority of people in the United States are fear based. When circumstances are difficult, fear-based people focus on others, external events around them, and the solutions of others as the means to address their fears and find a sense of control in their situation. Unfortunately, when we depend on others for our solutions, we miss a powerful means for facing difficulty – taking responsibility for ourselves and for the outcomes we desire.
Many of us fall into “victim thinking” in uncertain times. We give away our power (or energy in terms of time, focus and resources) to events, the economy, other people, or to the fear itself. This act of giving away our power has a tendency to take on a life of its own, and begins to paralyze and exacerbate those all-too-familiar feelings of hopelessness.
The following six behaviors indicate that you may have fallen into this attitude or filter in your own life. This is where you have to face the mirror and say, “Have I been acting out in one of these ways?”
- Blaming: Pointing the finger at something or someone else for your situation. “My problems are because of my boss.”
- Self-pity: Rolling up in a ball and having your own little pity party – poor you. “It’s not fair”.
- Hopelessness: Feeling like there is nothing you can do. “I have no options.”
- Resignation: Losing motivation by checking out. “I am just going to go through the motions”. You can’t always control what happens TO you but you can control what happens IN you when it happens to you.
- Anger turned to bitterness: Resentment toward another person, event or circumstance. “I will never forgive him” or “She is going to pay for that”.
- Entitlement: Feeling like you deserve special treatment. “I deserve a pay raise because I have always received a pay raise in the past” or “I deserve a hefty bonus because I am the CEO of this company”.
Victim thinking depletes our passion, hope and solutions. We often get stuck on the events in question rather than looking inward for alternative ways of addressing the situation. But when we choose to take responsibility to alter the reality – even when we didn’t directly cause the problem – we are seeking a more desirable outcome, which is an empowering step to take.
Recently, a friend of mine provided me with a great example of how she moved from being a victim to taking responsibility. She recently lost her home and for the first few weeks, was very bitter. All she could think about was how unfairly she’d been treated and how her life was ruined. One day, she realized that while she was so absorbed with blaming everyone else, she had failed to look inward and ask what she could do differently – what she could do to turn the situation into something positive.
When she began to take responsibility to change her attitude, she began seeing things in a new light. While she missed her home, she thought about how much clutter had piled up in that house. In a strange way, she felt relieved when she took responsibility for the fact that she’d overcommitted to this particular financial situation. Now, her energy was redirected to correcting her behavior instead of blaming others for her misfortune.
She began re-examining her values, simplifying her life and focusing on relationships rather than possessions. In her rented apartment, she learned that she could be just as happy and could get by with so much less. She found an “incredible release from the pressure of just trying to keep up with all the stuff”.
In that uneasy time, she could have stayed bitter. But she made the choice to become better. If you are facing a difficult situation, either personally or professionally, take action. Ask yourself if you have given into “victim thinking” and make a plan with these key questions in mind:
- Without beating yourself (or your team) up, what are the things I/we could have done differently that might have led to a different outcome in that specific area?
- What are the barriers or obstacles keeping me (or my team) from the desired reality?
- For every obstacle named, what are three specific actions I/we can take to positively impact the outcome?
The key to finding empowerment in fearful days is to take responsibility for the outcome you desire. Face your fear (everyone has fear). Develop a specific plan. Be prepared to make adjustments. Work the plan. Recommit to the plan each and every day, and correct the course along the way – as with any strategy, the odds of reaching your goals are much higher with the right attitude and a specific roadmap to guide your journey.